💬 The Words You Want Heard

Who plays who

• A — the one who finds it hard to be told what to do. Your turn is to listen, not to argue.
• B — the one who has wanted to say this for a while. Say it plainly. Nobody here is offended by a direct request.
• Swap after Act 2. Both directions of "tell me what you want" get practised.

What you need

• A private room with a door that closes
• Ten minutes to think before you begin — the unprepared version of this fails every time
• Something to write on, for the things that are hard to say twice
• No screens. This one needs both faces visible

Act 1 — 🕯️ Setup

Most couples already know what the other wants. The gap is that one person has never been told. This act is about closing that gap, and it only works if the listener understands the assignment first.

Beats

• The listener states their job out loud: listen, ask one clarifying question, thank them, move on. Nothing else.
• The speaker picks the one thing they have most wanted to say and not been able to.
• If the speaker cannot name it in ten minutes, that is the answer. Move on without comment.

Exchange

• A: Your job tonight is listen, one question, thank you, move on. That's it. No defending.
• B: And if what you say is something I would have never guessed?
• A: Then I'll be surprised. I won't argue.
• B: Okay. Here it is. I have wanted to be told to — [long pause] — and I have never said it out loud because it felt like too much.

Act 2 — 🔥 Build

Vague asks get vague results. This act takes one request and drills it down until it is a sentence with a subject, a verb, and a detail.

Beats

• The speaker states the request. The listener asks one clarifying question — never "do you mean…", always "how…" or "when…".
• Add one concrete detail the speaker has never mentioned. This is where it becomes a real request instead of a wish.
• The listener repeats it back in their own words. If the repeat is wrong, that is information, not failure.

Exchange

• B: I want you to be rougher with me.
• A: Rougher how? Give me a sentence, not an adjective.
• B: …Hold my wrists. Don't let me move. And tell me what you're doing while you do it.
• A: So: wrists held, no movement, and a running commentary. Say it back.
• B: Hold my wrists, I can't move, and I want to hear what you're doing the whole time.
• A: That is a completely different request from "be rougher". I would never have guessed the last two parts.

Act 3 — ⚡ Escalate

One request per act, so by now the hard ones are the ones left. This act is the single most explicit thing the speaker has ever wanted.

Beats

• The speaker names the one they have never said to anyone in this relationship.
• The listener responds in one of three ways: yes, maybe with a date, or no. All three are acceptable and all three are thanked.
• No escalation past a maybe. A maybe means a specific future date or it means nothing.

Exchange

• A: There's one I have never said. Any partner, any relationship.
• B: Okay.
• A: I want you to — (pause) — and I need you to not laugh and not make it a joke.
• B: I'm not laughing. Say it.
• A: I want you to tell me what you actually want. Not what you think I want. Your actual want.
• B: That's the one I've been waiting to be asked. Yes. Obviously yes.

Act 4 — 💥 Climax

Words that stay words do not improve anything. One of tonight's requests becomes an action, or gets a date it cannot quietly slip off.

Beats

• Pick the one that matters most. Not the most explicit — the most *unspoken*.
• If tonight, agree the practical details: when, where, how long, who leads.
• If not tonight, name the day. A specific day, written somewhere both of you will see it.

Exchange

• B: Which one are we doing?
• A: The one about the commentary. The one from Act 2.
• B: I thought you meant the rough one.
• A: No. The quiet one. I want to know what you think, not that you take charge. That's what I actually missed.
• B: Okay. That one I can do tonight.

Act 5 — 🤍 Aftercare

This game works exactly once and then stops working, if you stop. The aftercare is what turns it into a habit.

Beats

• Each names the request they are still thinking about. Again, not the best one — the surprising one.
• Agree the interval. Monthly is the usual answer. Quarterly is fine. Never is a choice too.
• Say the one thing you want to hear more of from the other person, out loud, before you sleep.

Exchange

• A: What are you still thinking about?
• B: The no. You moved straight to the next one. I have never been able to say no to anyone without it turning into a conversation about whether I really meant it.
• A: I am going to keep doing that. It costs me nothing and it clearly matters.
• B: Monthly. First Sunday. And you keep doing exactly that.

Aftercare

Set the repeat in the calendar before anyone sleeps — a monthly slot, twenty minutes, both names on it. Then close on contact that has nothing to do with anything said tonight. The point of this exercise is not the content; it is that a hard sentence got said out loud and the room did not end.

Ground rules and consent

• This is a conversation, not a rehearsal. Nothing described is done tonight unless you both separately decide to do it.
• The listener does not have to perform enthusiasm to be a good listener. Nodding is participation.
• A request can be met with "I hear you and I'm not doing that". That is a complete answer and it ends the round.
• Nothing said in this game is ever brought up as an argument later. If it resurfaces, you stop and deal with it then — but you do not weaponise it.

There is a fuller guide in Oral, without the rush, if you want it.

Frequently asked