🔧 The Plumber

Who plays who

• A — The Plumber: you answer callouts, you know exactly what the noise is, and you are in no hurry to leave.
• B — The Homeowner: you booked the visit, you are supervising the work, and you keep finding reasons to stand close.
• A leads Acts 1–3. B leads Act 4, because the homeowner signs the job off.

What you need

• A bucket, a wrench or any tool that looks plausible, and a cloth
• A sink, a shower or a bath you can actually run
• A towel each, and one you are prepared to ruin
• Workwear: overalls, a cap, or the oldest shirt you own
• Water — genuinely, both of you will need it

Act 1 — 🕯️ Setup

The pipes have been making a noise you cannot explain, and A arrives with a bucket and a completely unconvincing tool bag. The diagnosis takes a long time and involves a lot of kneeling under the sink. The noise is never going to be identified, and that is the joke.

Beats

• A does a full, unhurried inspection before finding anything to fix.
• B supervises from uncomfortably close, pointing at things that are not the problem.
• The noise stays unexplained for the whole act.

Lines to say

• "Sounds like it's coming from lower down. I'll have to get under there."
• "You're standing in my light. I'm not complaining."
• "Whoever fitted this did it wrong. Whoever fitted you did it right."

Act 2 — 🔥 Build

The fix involves running the shower at full pressure and both of you getting far wetter than the job requires. A keeps explaining the work in proper trade vocabulary while the floor fills up. The water is the reason the clothes had to come off.

Beats

• Run the water properly. The wet is the plot, not the accident.
• Soaked clothing comes off as a practical decision, one item at a time.
• A keeps up the trade talk the whole way through, deadpan.

Lines to say

• "Hold the cloth over the joint — no, with your hand, like that."
• "You're soaked through. That's a health and safety issue."
• "I'm not responsible for the state of your floor, or your shirt."

Act 3 — ⚡ Escalate

The tools are abandoned on the floor and the bath or shower is running on purpose now. The plumber keeps talking about pressure and seals and joints, and none of it means anything. The job has become fully ceremonial.

Beats

• Move the scene to the water — the bath, the shower, or the wet floor if you insist.
• The trade talk continues, but only as a joke now.
• Keep it safe: nothing slippery, nothing rushed, nobody standing where it is dangerous.

Lines to say

• "The pressure's fine. You're the one making noise."
• "I'm going to have to insist you get in the water for this bit."
• "That's the main valve. And this is the bit nobody writes down."

Act 4 — 💥 Climax

Nobody is pretending the water is a leak any more. The room is warm, wet and completely private. The plumber stops talking about pipes.

Beats

• Drop the trade voice. One real sentence, then no words you do not mean.
• Stay in the water or get out and dry off — pick one and commit.
• Let it finish however the two of you want, not how the callout sheet says.

Lines to say

• "Look at me. Don't look at the tap."
• "That's it. Stay exactly there."

Act 5 — 🤍 Aftercare

The water goes off and the noise is finally, completely gone. Dry each other with the good towels and let the callout be over, out loud, before either of you starts mopping.

Beats

• Turn the water off and say out loud that the visit has ended.
• Dry each other with the good towels, and put the wet ones somewhere they can stay wet.
• One sentence each about what the noise was meant to be.

Lines to say

• "Job done. No callout fee, and no more noise."
• "You make a very convincing homeowner."

Aftercare

Turn the water off, dry each other with the good towels, and say out loud that the callout is over.,Something warm to drink, and a floor that nobody has to mop until tomorrow.,One sentence each about what the noise was actually supposed to be.

Ground rules and consent

• "Wrench" turns the water off instantly. The plumber does not get to keep working because the job is nearly done.
• No real service worker is involved and nobody is arriving at the door. The callout is a story the two of you agreed on.
• Everything wet stays safe: no slipping, nobody left standing in the cold for a joke, nothing rushed.
• Either of you can say the job is finished at any point, and that is the end of the visit.

The gentler version of the same ground is in Blindfold play.

Frequently asked